I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize