do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
