dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
