I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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