You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
