A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
