She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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