Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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