I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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