When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
