I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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