just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
