Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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