you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
