I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
