I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
