she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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