He told me they were just razor bumps!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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