she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
