i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
