oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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