Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
