Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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