If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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