i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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