Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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