ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
