the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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