Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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