So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
