I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
try to milk me bitch
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