At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
