you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
