Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
