I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
