i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I party with great urgency now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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