my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
