In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
