I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
