I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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