I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
