I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
