Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
