y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
