I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I intend to get homeless drunk
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
