Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
