Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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