# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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