I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ketchup is God's man juice
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
