When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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