she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
