he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
