Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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