if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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