She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
