A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
